Seeking reconnection
by Gio
Summary: Sometimes you have to beg even if you know you're not going to get anything. Winona Kirk tries to reconnect with his son. Very short.


She was the _Enterprise_ communication officer. She was supposed to pass along any Starfleet communication request, especially those addressed to the captain. But she had the feeling this one was going to be though on him, so she was stalling. Ok, she still didn't like very much Kirk, but she had come to respect the man and she didn't want to be the one to cause him any distress. And from what she'd learned of her captain's past and what she knew of his present state of mind, dealing with this message could be more than he was up to.

And yet, since it was her job and this was indeed Starfleet, she resigned to do her job. Sighing, she pushed the communication button and replied:

'This is _Enterprise_, Lt Uhura. Please wait while I locate Captain Kirk, then I'll patch you through.'

_o_O_o_

James Kirk was resting in his quarters. He found that being captain was certainly a thrill, but most of all a big responsibility. He wasn't used to be responsible. Rebel, maybe, but not responsible. And he was having a hard time changing that.

He rolled over in his bed, hands on the back of his head, watching the ceiling.

Bones was convinced Jim was doing a great job, both with his captaincy and with himself. Kirk thought that this was indeed true, but there was still a long way to perfection, and he was all about perfection. So he worked double time, studied hard on every Federation History data he could lay hands on, read each Starfleet captain's log, made a point in visiting every department of his ship and spent all of his remaining time with his crew. Sleep was an optional, and it was the only thing that Bones wasn't pleased with and kept grunting about.

The communication chime trilled, shocking him out of his reverie.

'Lt Uhura to captain Kirk, please respond.'

Her voice in his quarters sounded like a pleasant invasion. He still had a thing for her, since Iowa: she always had the power to send butterflies in his stomach flying around. Ignoring the feeling, just like he had been learning since he knew she was with Spock, he rose to give his reply.

'Kirk here. What is it?'

'Personal Starfleet communication request for you, sir.'

He frowned. Uhura's voice was strained.

'And why are you so upset, Uhura?' he dared to ask.

'I knew you were resting, sir.' Her reply was too quick. An excuse, now that was interesting.

'Uhura, you should know better than that by now. Shoot, who's the caller?'

Her defeated tone, this time, didn't ease at all the resulting feeling of doom that crept over him.

'Winona Kirk, sir.'

Jim knew that Uhura wasn't missing his hesitation and forced his voice to speak.

'Please, pass the communication in my quarters, Lt Uhura.'

'Yes, sir' she complied.

He could swear he's heard her sighing just before their communication ended.

_o_O_o_

Winona was a very smart woman, a very appreciated scientist and a very caring human being. Except when dealing with men in her life. George Kirk had been the only man she had truly loved and loosing him in such a sudden and tragic way had destroyed her will: she had never recovered. She had been a lousy mother to her child, the worst of all mothers now that she thought of it. This was what gnawed at her, what goaded her conscience every day. It didn't really matter that she choose stupid men or even bad men for herself, she could handle the punishment, but it was unforgivable to let her son suffer for it.

As she waited to be connected with Jim, she let the blame wash over her and inflict as much motherly pain as possible.

Her screen lighted up and Jim's dark face appeared, erasing the childish version she usually stored in her mind.

'Mom' he managed to keep his voice steady.

'Hello baby' she tried to smile. And failed.

'Using Starfleet channels, now, are we?' his irony did reach her.

'Well, that was the only way. You're difficult to reach, Jim.'

'Suits me just fine, by the way.' He wasn't going to make it simple, she knew.

'Yeah, I could tell. I pulled some strings to have this conversation with you.'

'Admiral Pike, I assume.' The kid was smart.

'Correct. I was so proud to hear you're captain, baby.'

'Not proud enough to be there when it happened, were you?' He spat back.

'I'm sorry, Jim. I was away from the system, I couldn't be there.' True, but lame nonetheless.

'Same old story, isn't it, Mother?'

Guilt sent cold shivers on her back and tears began to form in her eyes. She willed them away, tried to stay collected enough to say how sorry she was for everything.

'I know I am a shitty mother, Jim. Every day I remind myself of each of my bad move you had to suffer for. There's no turning back, no time machine to change our past. I failed you, completely. And I have to live with this sorrow, along with the pain of not having your dad with me. I've lost both of you when he died, him because of Nero, but you because of me and my selfish grief. And that's unforgivable.' She was crying now, but her stare stayed fixed in her son's impossibly blue eyes, willing him to understand at least some of her pain.

Jim let out his breath, closing his eyes. He seamed totally defeated.

'Look, Mom' he begun, 'this is not the right time to have this conversation. I need more peace of mind to deal with you, I'm sorry.' He looked openly at her. 'Right now I'm still reeling for the _Narada_, the promotion and everything. I just can't handle the past.'

She nodded her head, understanding the pressure currently weighting on her son.

'Ok, Jim. I understand. Just… know that I'm sorry, baby. It's all I'm asking.'

He seemed to consider to say something, but then he cut out the channel.

'Bye, Mom.'

She didn't even have the time to reply. The screen went black.


End file.
